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4 ways to increase the faith of the child in their own strength

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If you still remember, last year we started analyzing the topic “Correction of anxiety in a child”. Those who do not know, can read this information on the link.

As promised, today I continue a small series of posts.

So that your tot will not suffer from low self-esteem, lack of confidence in its capabilities, below I will give 4 practical recommendations:
Address him by name if he is still small – you can call affectionate names that he likes very much (Helen, Marinochka, Ksyusha, Olezhek, Valerik, Pavlusha, Bunny, Kisonka, etc.).
Establish a relationship of trust with your child. Remember: if now he is reaching out to you in the hope of finding understanding, seeing interest in him in your eyes, and you have ignored all this – he just has to withdraw into himself or fill this need in another place, often not in the best …
Sincerely take part in his games, do not refer to employment – your tot will appreciate it. Many mothers and fathers noticed that a child from 1.5 years old to 4 years old does not want to play alone for a long time without adults. The limit is 15-25 minutes, then a whimper, moaning and drawing attention to oneself begin. The fact is that now he has this vital need – to play with an adult. Therefore, give your child the opportunity to play with a person close to him – mom, dad, grandmother or grandfather. If a child has older brothers and sisters, that’s great! As a rule, he participates with them with pleasure, especially when the age difference is not so big, up to 5 years.
Often praise your child for any successes and achievements not only alone with him, but also in the presence of other family members, other children and adults, encourage in case of failures. In no case do not make fun of: “Eh you, Khryusha”, do not panic: “What have you done with your crooked hands ?!”, do not humiliate in front of other children: “You are no good!” the toddler with his peers is not in his favor: “Look, how Misha can do, and you … well, whoever you went to, such a mess,”. Remember – the word is easy to blurt out, but it will be firmly deposited in the mind of the child and, having received a good portion of reproach, he will doubt his abilities and capabilities. And you, wanting to whip up the urge of karapuz, in order to achieve the desire to do everything well – you get a completely opposite effect.

However, it is also necessary to be able to praise – for no reason, praise turns into an empty idle talk, it becomes insincere and does not bear any meaning for the addressee. Therefore, before you say, think about how the child will perceive your words, whether this praise will be pleasant to him and whether she will help him to move on with confidence.

In the next article we will talk about how to teach a child to manage themselves in difficult life situations. And in order not to overlook the release of a new article – subscribe to updates via RSS at the top right or below it under this publication.

By the way, if you have any questions, additions to this material, or you want to share your own ways of increasing the child’s self-esteem, leave comments. They are very useful to the rest!

 You can still read: How does a child manage himself in difficult life situations? How to raise a child optimist? Baby fears how to help a child? Losing with a smile Teach your child to lose

[GIFT!] Ready-made lesson plan with a baby 1.5-3 years old

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I know firsthand how much time it takes for mom to systematize her developmental activities with the baby at home.

Some are playing with the child as randomly as they can. It also happens that the child either sits with his toys, or watches cartoons for hours, or clings to his mother, while she hastily remodels all her chores.

Many suffer remorse: I do nothing for its development! …

Therefore, to help these mothers diversify the days with the baby, Oksana Ageenkova (remember the interviews with her? :)) made a great cycle of developmental activities with a crumb from 1.5 to 3 years. Most liked

And she gives it to you completely free.
 Download a detailed monthly plan right now (RAR archive)

Be sure to print this file and keep it handy. In the evening, look into it, pick up the necessary materials in advance (and they will almost always be found in any house) and proceed from the next day fully armed.

Yes, happy mood is optional! Do not forget, And creativity will start to hit the key! I guarantee the delight of the baby and his selfless love for you
 Have a good weekend!

 You can also read: The eighth month of educational games for the baby The sixth month of a child’s life educational games

[Cheat Sheet] “Well, who pulled you by the tongue …?” Or Forbidden phrases

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Do you notice that sometimes you run in the same circle when you are trying to cope with the whims and bad mood of your child?

First, you try to distract, show an unexpected trick, treat you with something tasty, promise something grand, or just give up and go on about it, so long as he stops crying and gets on his nerves.

Or go to decisive buzzwords and actions …

Familiar? Still would!

So now download Cheat Sheet: “Well, who tugged you by the tongue …?” Or Forbidden phrases. It contains 7 of the most dangerous actions that parents usually perform, trying to stop the whims.

DOWNLOAD HATCH

Print and hold this cheat sheet next to it to use it at the earliest opportunity and to leave the “dry” wet cranies with the child

 You can also read: Stop in time. How NOT to stop child tantrums (a case on a walk) About the crisis, lack of patience and personal boundaries If the child does not respond to the request and requests

[Case] ​​The child choked on food and refuses to eat solid food

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Last week, the father of a 6.5-year-old daughter asked me for a consultation (I removed the names for confidentiality reasons):

Hello Tatiana! The girl choked on food 10 days ago. During the meal, I looked at the cartoon tablet. We began to warn her that during the meal you can not be distracted by TV and gadgets, as you can choke and die. Apparently, they went too far.
 Gradually, over the course of the week, she increasingly refused solid food. The last three days, eating only a very liquid semolina and mashed potatoes in a blender, and that is very bad. He actively drinks water or milk.

We do not press on it. We try not to focus on eating. But every day it only gets worse. The child is very mobile, sociable, but timid and cautious. Please, give recommendations how to act, we will be very grateful.

Such cases I meet very often. I see how many parents are completely lost and do not know how to behave. Panic and acute fear for the child settles in the family. And they can be understood.

Therefore, I decided to briefly describe what happens at this moment with the child, what psychological mechanisms are included in his mind and how you can go from an acute period to a soft one, in order to return to the same rut. In the period when the child calmly ate everything.

So…

Until the critical moment (that is, before the girl choked on food) there was a normal and stable eating behavior.
 According to her father, she ate almost on automatism, quietly chewing and swallowing chewed food. This automatism was developed against the background of previous positive experiences with chewing and swallowing food.

What happened to her at that critical moment? A blast of fear. Panic. The old automatism fell apart. The strongest survival mechanism is activated in the brain. And if a girl has the features of a melancholic type, according to her temperament, these feelings will be strengthened.
 It is for this reason that her brain is now blocking solid food and giving the command to her body to eat only safe food.
 The child is not aware of this, he acts as he feels intuitively, it is impossible to interfere with this. Those. choosing a liquid and light food the body of the child in this transitional moment as if trying to make sure that the food is safe and you can go further with solid food.

If the girl previously had a successful conditioned reflex, I eat calmly, but now a new conditioned reflex of rejection of solid food has formed, amid fear of choking.

Now the question. How to unlock this reflex so that it does not become stable and die?

Remember how habits are acquired and then lost. There are 2 ways:

1. We need a certain sufficiently powerful signal or situation, which (th) will override the previous one and form a new conditioned reflex.

2. Or you need to stop backing up unwanted behavior and it stops.
 At the same time, the previous habit (fear and choice of liquid food) dies away not instantly, but gradually. It may occur once, then another then less and less. And, finally, until it is replaced by a sustainable new (there is an ordinary food).

In other words, the girl needs to create such a successful situation in which she can eat something freely and at her own will. Now it does not matter what it is: liquid or solid. It is important calm attitude to food.
 And to stop worrying and reminding the family about food (as the excitement of the family only reinforces the child’s fear and does not solve the problem), to provide understanding and maximum support.

As soon as the girl relaxes and becomes free to eat of her choice, she also gradually goes to the usual food. Only in this way will this fear pass.

Few parents realize that this problem lies at the junction of biology and psychology. I had a case when my mother was angry with a child that he did not want to eat as much as she put on his plate. Everything seemed to her a little. And the child’s attempt to abandon some dish enraged her.

There were so many tears and sufferings from both the child and the mother! When she found out what was wrong, she radically changed her approach to nutrition.

In more detail about the mechanisms of formation of conditioned food reflexes and the chain of normal eating behavior, I told in the course “Oh, pieces, lumps! How to help a child eat solid food?” (click on the link and see the full description, the course itself in PDF format, with a volume of 131 pages and in MP3 audio format, 4 hours long).

I recommend to study carefully at many points you look another way.

The course will be suitable both for mothers who are just starting to feed their children and who have everything ahead, and for those who are trying to fix the child’s feeding for various reasons. And the mechanisms described in the course are universal for any age, since they are very ancient, based on biological laws, plus here are added the features of our human psyche.

Go to the direct link to order the course Oh, pieces, lumps

 You can still read: Mama Neznaika or Ignorance of favorable periods in the development of the child’s eating behavior. Part 7 Mole Mama or Blind Hope for Canned Food and Blender. Part 6 Mummy or Excessive care and increased anxiety Why is it so difficult to feed a child? Born a new course Oh pieces, lumps! How to help your child eat solid food

[Case wise mother] How to talk with a teenager about school?

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mother with teen daughter


I love to track in literature and in psychological practice plots that are related to certain aspects of communication between parents and children. And also, to highlight both successful and disastrous situations, to observe the psychological portraits of the main characters, how they use certain pedagogical techniques and what they lead to. )))

And just recently, I came across this real story about a teenage wise mother, taken from the newspaper My Family.

I know that our site is read not only by parents with preschool children. Many of them have older children and often face difficulties in communicating with them effectively and trustfully. Since adolescence in psychology is one of the most difficult crises and to go through it smoothly, while maintaining mutual understanding with your son or daughter without pressure, to help them find their integrity and the meaning of life is the ultimate pilotage of parental skill.

Therefore, it will be useful to almost all parents. And now the story itself)))

He graduated from my son of 9 classes, went to college – to the one where he wanted, for an independently chosen specialty, I passed the exams without help. I went to classes proud, my nose bullying my younger friends. And I relaxed, hoping that now he will definitely learn.
And in vain! In January, work practice began.

teenager boy

I ask my son:
Are you walking
I walk.
And I have doubts. Firstly, he doesn’t say anything, although he has to – after all, a change of environment, new impressions. Secondly, it leaves early in the morning, comes late, and does not ask for lunch money, do they feed them at the expense of the enterprise? In our capitalist time! Unlikely. When doubts took shape, I called the class teacher three times at various times – “The subscriber is not available.” Okay, wait. Should all ever clear up.

And for sure. After 2 weeks the classroom calls itself. It turns out that she had broken her leg before the New Year, lost her phone in the hospital, and the parents of her students were left without information. The conscious minority of children honestly went to practice, and the majority (including my son), rejoicing in unexpected freedom, skipped. The cry was given:
Parents, take action! Make sure the turnout!

Easy to say – “take action.” If the father were alive, there would be a belt in his hand, and turnout would be guaranteed. What should I do? The “child” is taller than me on the head, more than three times stronger, the option “take the hand and bring” will not work. Notation remains. Well, we will read.

I caught him saying:
Sonny! The class teacher called, you missed the practice.
And and?
No, I say this: and?
Mom, do you remember who I study for?
On auto mechanic.
First of all! And practice locksmith! She gave me a fig, I’m not a locksmith studying!
Well, you’re a smart guy, as I can see. What do you think an auto mechanic does?
Mom, this is the boss over the locksmiths, I will give out instructions.
That’s it! First distribute, then check the execution. And how will you check if the work is well done or anyhow, if you don’t belmes yourself?
Mom, I have no time, my friends are waiting for me.
Gathered and left. No, well, you look at him! Not the one attacked. I have to read the notation, and I will read it. It is only necessary to choose the right time to escape could not.
Two weeks have passed. One night they went to bed. I hear, sonny behind the screen, tossing and turning, rustling. Tak-s, I think it’s time!
Son, are you sleeping?
Nah
And I can not sleep. Do you want me to tell you a story from my life?
Come on.
Long ago, when I was young and beautiful, I had a friend, a diver. Divers, after all, do not work only in the sea – everywhere where the depth and structures are at some depth. Well, in our Irtysh there are bridge piers, moorings, pipelines. Divers check them and, if necessary, repair.
So, my friend with a partner comes to work somehow, the boss gives them a task and leaves for the planning meeting.

Returns – they lie on the beach, sunbathe.
Why are you lying, I gave you the job?
We have done.
When did you do? I gave the assignment fifteen minutes ago!
Made. You see, the costumes are wet.
Yes, when did you have time?
Well, you do not believe – check.
And check it out!
Check, here’s a suit.

He put his daddy, put on a suit, they fastened a helmet to him, – you know, metal one, with portholes on the sides and in front? Here you go. They attached air balloons and attached a cable to their belts to pull them out if they got lost. The water is muddy, you know, a billion Chinese are pissing into our Irtysh while it reaches us. Here you go. He entered the river, and the current was strong, sank to the waist, and knocked him down. The helmet is heavy to the bottom, the suit, filled with air, has surfaced, only the butt is visible – the man is floundering, he cannot stand up on his feet. The divers looked at the clock: three minutes have passed, will we extend it? No, early, let him continue to check.

Five minutes later, they pulled out the helmet, unscrewed it, and his face was red, swollen, covered in tears and spittle. I got out of the suit and went, I even forgot my daddy.
Attention! – I say to my son. – Question: why was he turned upside down?
Well … the current is strong, you say it yourself.
So other divers do not turn over. Think.
Is silent. I suggest:
He forgot to wear something. What?
I give up, says son.
Yes shoes are the same! Heavy diving boots that balance the weight of the helmet. Why did you forget?
I do not know.
After all, he worked as a boss. So, I graduated from the institute, defended my diploma. I passed all the exams, at least for C grade, otherwise I wouldn’t have given a diploma, that is, theoretically I was well-versed.
The son is silent, he thinks. I continue:
But practice, for sure, skipped!
Mama!
What, Mom, then? If he ever went down with the instructor under water, the suit was completely put on – I would never forget about the shoes. Exactly, I missed!
Mama! Sleep, come on!
It’s too late to mumble something: the notation is read, listened carefully and, as it turned out, later learned.
The following year, the son brought a big fat five from the practice and solemnly presented it to me. I asked:
What did you get the “five” for, and you also circled?
And I killed the “Zilok”, which stood under the fence for a long time, assembled, started and let the chief ride on it.
Cool in college you are taught. Well done!
And she thought to herself: me too.

Antonova A.

Please share in the comments, did you like this story, was it useful for your parent bank? ))

Is the punishment of a child evil or necessary?

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mother-and-its-disobedient-guilty-crying-son-punishment

The other day, I received this question by e-mail:

Good afternoon!

I carefully read your letters and want to express my gratitude for useful and essential information. True, in recent times, for some reason, there have been few letters ((

I am interested in your attitude to the punishment of children. Is the punishment of a child evil or necessary? Now many parents and psychologists oppose them. And what position do you hold?

Thank you for your reply!
Irina.

mother-punishing-daughter

Hello Irina!

Thank you for your warm response to my newsletter and letters.

I adhere to a complicated position in this question.
The topic of punishment is very individual for each case, and it is difficult to make it universal if we do not take into account the child’s personality, his age, the circumstances of the incident and his family.

What is punishment? In essence, this is an action aimed at stopping the undesirable behavior of the perpetrator.
So that the next time he, remembering the punishment, could resist repeating and draw the right conclusions.

There are two main types of punishments: physical (whipping, spanking, acute withdrawal) and psychological (disapproval, indignation, verbal condemnation, conviction, etc.).

From these many basic variations are obtained.

But what is essential to know:

If the punishment is committed by a person who does not love and does not respect the child, it turns into violence
(physical or psychological, it does not matter, the essence is the same).
The child feels pain, fear, humiliation. Then these feelings are replaced by anger, anger, and desire for revenge. Such a child, as a rule, forgets about the wrongdoing and the punishment does not reach its original purpose. The deed is not realized, and there is no desire to act kindly.

If the punishment is committed by a person who loves a child, but at the very moment of discipline, this adult has lost control of himself and has broken, it also does not reach the goal. And the child understands that the adult has just appeared powerless before him and has lost his authority. Confidence in such an adult tends to zero. And where there is no trust, there is no deep relationship. There is no incentive to change for the better.

Punishment should not cause physical and mental injury to a child. In this case, it merely turns into a tool of torturing a defenseless, weak child in the hands of a merciless adult. A belt or a massive arm, leaving red marks for a long time and purple stripes on the child’s body, and subsequently, bruises, are simply unacceptable. Similarly, with constant moral humiliation with hurtful words: you are not my son / not my daughter, you are a fool, you are stupid, crazy, you will be taken by the police uncle, you have a nuthouse/prison crying and the like. All this destroys the relationship of the child with his parents, puts him in the position of rejected and unworthy love. Often this leads to inner bitterness, self-destruction of a person (I am wrong, and I can’t be good), self-torture (self-aggression, ie, aggression directed at myself, can also appear).

Punishment should not cause physical and mental injury to a child.
Little child boy wall corner punishment standing

As a result, the child really becomes uncontrollable, as if confirming the opinion of his relatives about him, he begins to fear and hate cruel parents.

What in the end can happen after such punishments?

Already in its essence, such a punishment loses its meaning, because it has not reached the crucial goal of reorienting the child to good deeds. To help understand your mistake and engender the desire to correct it. And if so, then instead of the desired benefits, it causes irreparable harm to the child’s soul.

Someone may object: in ancient times, they always punished, some with rods, some with a stick, others with something worse. And nothing grew decent people.
Many religious people who are superficially familiar with the basics of faith often cite as an example the biblical verse: He who pities the rod hates his son (Proverbs 13:25). But the same people forget about another verse from the same Bible: And you, fathers, do not irritate your children, but bring them up in the teaching and admonition of the Lord (Ephesians 6: 4).

Thus, the punishment is sufficient only when it comes from a loving and authoritative parent, does not cause physical and psychological harm, and the guilty person understands well what he is being punished for and considers it fair.

There are situations when it is impossible to punish and abuse (according to V.Levi):
When a child is sick, is experiencing any ailments or has not yet recovered from an illness: at this time, his psyche is especially vulnerable, and the reactions are unpredictable.
When the baby eats, after sleeping, before bedtime, during play, during work.
Immediately after a physical or mental injury (a fall, a fight, an accident, a bad mark, any failure, even if he himself is to blame for this failure). It is necessary, at least, to wait until the acute pain subsides (but this does not mean that you should immediately rush to console).
When a child does not cope with fear, inattention, laziness, mobility, and any shortcoming, with sincere efforts. When shows inability, awkwardness, nonsense, inexperience. That is, in all those cases, when the child does not do something.

This is a whole if you look at the punishment as an instrument of education.

And the more developed the warm relations between parents and children, the less often adults resort to this tool.

Usually, the grief of a mother or father for children is already an incentive to stop, and therefore, in close-knit, loving and healthy families with strong parental authority, such children have enough confidential one-on-one conversation with their parents to reconsider their behavior.

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